Fighting Fair

I don’t care how well matched two people are, they are going to have disagreements, arguments or plain old fights. It’s the human egos nature to defend it’s views even when it knows it is wrong.

Since we are all human and disagreements are bound to happen, just how do you deal with them? The best advice I can give is to cool down before saying ANYTHING. Easier said then done. So….since that is not likely to happen, at least have the common sense to realize your partner is in the same boat. He/she will lash out with things they don’t mean, too.

Second best advice is to forgive. Don’t just forgive your partner….forgive yourself, too. Again, we are human and sometimes our emotions suppress common sense. If someone hurts you, it is normal to want to hurt them in return. Unfortunate but true.

Ok….so your ’other’ says something that hurts you. Hopefully the two of you came up with a keyword that lets the other know that all is NOT well in Paradise. You can always go for “Time out”. If you can, (without yelling) give your other a clue as to what is amiss. Don’t just storm off leaving him to wonder what in the world he did or said to upset you. Whatever you come up with, say the word or phrase and walk away. Go to different rooms, take a walk, go for a drive. COOL OFF. Then examine what was said and WHY it upset you. Is it really a legitimate hurt? A blow to your pride? Something that was triggered from a past relationship? Only you can answer those questions.

When you realize what hurt you and why, go back and calmly tell him. If you don’t want to face him, write it down and give it too him. Or send an email. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to face the one you care about when you realize you were wrong. No matter how you do it, do it!! Relationships are something to enjoy, not dread.

After the thunder stops and you both cool down, sit and TALK. Calmly and coolly tell your partner WHY you said what you did or ask why he said what he did and exactly what did he mean by it. Swallow your pride and TELL him/her what hurt you. None of us are mind readers and the old, worn out saying “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” is one of the most destructive things in a relationship. Of course they don’t know!!! Do YOU know? Didn’t think so.

There is another article with Rules for Arguments on The Lost Art of Romance blog, written by Romeo. I would recommend reading those, too. The link is under “My Blog List” in the right column.